It is an interesting thing, the feelings you go through when returning from a mission. For 18 months to 2 years ( for us it was 2 years minus 4 days) you spend every single day focused on serving the Lord. You work so hard at having the spirit with you so you can do HIS work, you pray to be led to the people you are suppose to help come unto HIM, you work tirelessly from the time you get up to the moment your head hits the pillow at night, you know you are not wasting the time the Lord has given you. You are part of miracles, your prayers are answered, you grow and grow and grow and then you come home.
For the first month you are so tired( for me I am still tired, but my Dr.'s tell me that is the bodies response to trying to heal itself) you wonder how in the world you ever did what you did every single day, and you know it is because HE helped you because you were doing HIS work. Then you try to get back into a routine of life and then you realize just how much HE has been a part of your life for the last 2 years and that with that release as a missionary, also came a release of that constant help and you feel so lost. You want to continue to serve every moment, but now you must focus on the day to day routine of life. It is hard, you realize that even though you were dead tired everyday, and there were many nights you fell to sleep while saying your prayers( I like to think that rather then chastising me, the Lord smiled down on those nights and had a very forgiving heart), it was actually easier then coming back to what some may call the "real" world. For me the "real" world is the world where we never forget who we are and why we are here, and spend all the time focused on the Lords work. Missionary Life was easier because you don't worry about the things of the world, you know the Lord is taking care of your family, so you don't worry about them, You know that because you are so focused on HIS work, HE is taking care of things back home and you have peace. You don't have to worry about anything but what you can do for HIM that day. I miss that.
Not that I don't ask each morning in my prayers what HE needs me to do today, but the problem lies in the fact that I ask and then get so busy with things that I don't listen to the Holy Ghost and follow through.
I have loved conference this weekend, the spirit has been so strong for me. I wondered if it would be as strong as it had been in the mission field, where we received conference on a DVD, 2 to 3 weeks after and listened to it with the wonderful people we were serving in a small Church, or an open Noss. I am grateful that I have felt the spirit here.
I have been looking back at my life, my whole life, ( when you get a life threatening illness you tend to ponder those things) and I wonder if I failed at what I was sent here to do. And then I wonder if it is to late to accomplish all I am suppose to do while on this earth. I thought a lot about the parable of the Talents and I think maybe I have not used my few talents wisely. I wonder if it is to late to use them to build the Kingdom of God. I read my Patriarchal Blessing and I don't think I have accomplished very much of what it tells me I am suppose to. Do you every feel like you may have wasted the life the Lord gave you? I DO. So I strive each day to be better and as I listened to Conference, I recognize even more things I need to change in my life, if I am going to do what I was sent to this earth to do. Sometimes, I feel so bad that I did not stick with the program better, been a better influence for good to others.
That is where my Faith has to come in and I have to leave it up to the Lord. I know that the Atonement of my Savior, Jesus Christ, is so much more then the forgiveness of my sins, transgressions and weaknesses. I know HE understands me perfectly and I know HE will give me experiences to help me grow into what I am suppose to, so when that time comes that I leave this earth, if I have done my best and repented when I failed, HE will do the rest.
I hold onto that Hope and Faith in HIS Atonement.
As I listened to conference one of the talks said, it is never to late. That gave me peace, I can still make the changes in my life that I need to, so I am worthy to walk into HIS loving arms and have HIM say "Well done, thou good and faithful servant" But I must do my part.
We can all make those changes in our lives, if we CHOOSE to. It is not easy, but I CHOOSE to strive my hardest. I don't want to fail HIM. HE did not fail me in Gethsemane and on Calgary.
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